Draconic Musings

Otherkin, Art, and Spirituality, oh my

Role Model

Today someone I know told me I am one of their role models.

 

To them I am someone they look up to and respect, and this shocked me. I had never considered myself in any serious manner to be someone worthy of being a role model. I look in the mirror and see someone who’s made countless mistakes, someone who is deeply flawed and is the very definition of “mortal man,” or perhaps “mortal dragon” is more apt. But a role model? No.

It took me most of the day to process that, and I am still processing it, mulling over what people could possibly see in me. But in doing so I have realized that like with art, I will always see every imperfection, every flaw. What I see looking in the mirror is perhaps not what everyone sees. Perhaps that is the lesson that should be taken from most things: our perspective is warped by our own desire to strive for perfection, a goal that is endlessly unreachable.

 

Perhaps the best thing we can do is to just keep striving to better ourselves, and in turn continue to be the most genuine version of ourselves we can be. And maybe, just maybe, I should learn to not focus as much on how other people might perceive me, but instead how I perceive myself and let the pieces outside of that fall as they may.

 

 

Reviving The Musings!

Hi all! I’m sorry, I kind of fell off the face of the planet for a while thanks in part due to a lot of stuff occurring in life! But that’s okay, just gotta take it in stride and keep moving forward. ^^

Now my plan moving forward is this site will serve as a catchall for my art, commissions I both get and do for others, and as a general ramble about topics I feel too deep for Mastodon… primarily Otherkin rambles and discussions of a spiritual nature. So, stay tuned, keep your eyes peeled, and expect content moving forward! 😀

Being a “Good Person” Part 2, the Myth

It took me a long while to figure this one out, answering the “How” to be a good person, not just what one is… It’s a logical fallacy and an impossible goal.

The discovery is that you can never be a “Good” person, it is a goal that cannot ever be met because its too specific and is open to interpretation. You will always have people who see you as not a good person and that it is impossible to ever make everyone like you, see you as good. Good can be stated in specific actions that matter… but the secret is not to set the goal of being a good person. The goal is to be a “Better” person.

 

I could talk more on this, but I have included a TED talk that I feel does a better job explaining than I could ever hope to. This talk has helped me further with this discovery and I feel is important for everyone to see.

 

 

 

Anxiety

The Importance of Calm

Being at peace is something we have trouble with often. Its easy to let the pressures of the world build on you, letting it in turn build inside you. Tension, fear. Anxiety. It can shorten our lives, and worsen what lives we are already living, dulling every moment that otherwise would be enjoyed. My name is Veladynee and I have major anxiety and pessimistic problems!

 

Now that the AA meeting intro is out of the way… let’s discuss it.

 

Anxiety

Anxiety as best I can describe is a constant feeling of fear and uncertainty about the next moment, the current moment, and sometimes even how the past will affect the now. It chews us up from the inside, ready to burst like…. Well a chestburster, for those who are familiar with the Alien franchise. It can cause stress on our loved ones, our partners, even our pets. It is unhealthy to the extreme… and it can seem basically impossible to overcome. So daunting is it that often times we just accept it as life, it can’t get any better, it just is. But there is so much more to life than that, so much brightness, so much liveliness that we ourselves suppress due to our own mind keeping us prisoner.

 

Most of my life was dull, and often it still is. My mate gets dragged down and suffers breakdowns because sometimes I have trouble controlling these feelings, these oppressive reaching tendrils. But, while it is hard, while every day I struggle… Every day the anxiety is able to hold me less and less. Its grip is not as strong. It used to hold me for days… now it is passing hours, sometimes minutes. The same fears build up and try to grab me, and often times they do. But each time I shrug them off, I tell myself what is, what is around me… not what could be. The reality, the now, the little shimmers of beauty that leap out through every dark corner, illuminating them. Even if they are momentary, they mean more than the crippling darkness.

 

The Only Thing to Fear is Fear Itself

Okay, the subtitle is quite trite, but true for this context non-the-less. Ignoring any past or political commentary surrounding the quoted individual, let us just focus on those words. Anxiety is fear. Unfounded, primal fear of the unknown. Of the ‘what ifs and could bes’ based on overactive mechanisms designed to protect us. However, by protecting us they shut us out from the world. I freaked out when my favorite car got dinged on the passenger side. That bothered me for a good long while… Until I realized it doesn’t have to, things happen. Its okay, and it can be repaired because it is an object and it happens to everyone. ^^ We get so caught up in the moment, and the ‘oh god it happened to me’ we also fail to account that sometimes things like this are normal. This is not discrediting severe things in life, but we have to not let them control us. We must control them, and find the solution, or at least conquer the demon inside ourselves.

 

What To Do?

Now I talked plenty about ‘just do the thing’ without providing any ideas on how to do the thing. I learned that I can do constructive things. I bought a guitar to channel a lot of it into, let the music scream my anguish or something equally metal. I write these blogs to help others. In fact when I was having an anxiety attack I picked up the laptop and began writing about my experience, how it feels, right in that moment. Pick up a pencil and paper and doodle, start hammering away at a book. Even do homework! Channel that into not a self destructive force but a force that can conquer something around you, something tangible. Make it your muse not your anchor! Easier said than done, I know. For the first… well year, you will fail at it, it will not be possible. But don’t lose hope, keep trying until you manage to do it, even if once. Then keep trying to repeat it!

It takes feeling out the right… well, feelings to find the medium that works for us. To find what mental switch we have to click to turn it into a productive force. We ourselves are very much like computers, and like technology we do on occasion malfunction. We must try to diagnose the problem then come up with a viable solution or work-around so it stops causing issues and lets us keep at it, like our games or our productivity.

 

Don’t Despair!

 

It’s tough, but others like you, and me, exist out there. We know the struggles, and we know how truly hard it is. But we are here to support you, whoever you are! Be the best you can be and do the thing! I believe in you ^^

On Lack of Updates

It’s been a month. I have one written up for October…. but it isn’t a part 2. The truth of the matter is… Writing a part 2. I’m still discovering ways and methods to be a good person, to improve. Do I have things to write about? Yes. But I’m not sure if I’m ready to write them down yet… Its taking a long time to figure out some of it.

Sadly I’m not an endless fountain of knowledge and experience… and reading the blog, definitely not without my faults. I’m as mortal as they come.

 

I’ll post the next one up here tomorrow… Stay tuned. ^^

On Being a Good Person (Part 1)

This topic is a hard one to really discuss but something I feel is incredibly important. The subject is being a good person, or dragon, or whatever else you might be. I do not mean this in being good as in “I’m an awesome dragon!” but being good natured, strong, but also capable of nurturing.

 

Nature vs Nurture

Being a good person is hard to do because a lot of people think they are good. Nobody is truly malicious, barring people who intentionally act on hurting others, either physically or emotionally, for pleasure. That one is an outlier, but the truth is most people try, and usually believe, they are doing what’s best for themselves, and for others. Often times people get lost in only focusing on themselves instead of others leading to selfish acts, but everyone is guilty of that including me. Many people who are selfish, if faced with a crisis, will go out of their way to help others even at risk to themselves. But how we perceive what is good or not, likewise how selfish vs selfless we are, tends to be nature vs nurture.

I was brought up a very selfish household, as well as emotionally abusive but we have discussed that before! Everything was about ‘me me me’ with all those surrounding me, family included. I sought out people like me online, my main escape and thus primary focus, looking for people who thought like me because it was how I felt I should be, rather than taking a step back to look at the different people from each part of my life and really determine who is good. It is a trap many of us can get stuck in, and oh boy was I stuck in it for a good while, most of my life in fact. Each toxic person I added to my group of friends became further justification that the actions I was taking were right. Selfishness was the game and I can only look after me. This was how I was nurtured, but at the same time I would commit acts of good, of complete selflessness because deep down my nature felt it was right.

 

Life as a Selfish Person (aka an Asshole)

I hurt people, including people who were family to me. This was not intentional, of course, but a byproduct of how I was. I can claim emotional abuse all day but it wouldn’t be the whole story. Being a selfish person doesn’t mean acting maliciously to ignore others, but being entirely unaware of the consequences of your actions or, as what happened to me, not caring because “You can always take care of it later.” But you can’t, you can’t take care of it later because the hurt affects so many. It cascades beyond the one person you wronged and can become an uncontrollable fire that spreads from one bridge to the next. And do you know how I used to get over it? Find a new set of bridges and leave the others as a smoldering wreck. A reputation begins to follow you and you become known as someone who mistreats, someone who lies, someone who hurts others. It is true, too, because I did do that, and I was aware of it and didn’t care or figured “well it can take care of itself.” This is usually the same trap that snares so many and because it always happens you just assume its how people are and blame them instead of owning to it being your actual fault.

I wrote before about forgiving yourself, which is the first step to letting yourself mend… But to begin mending you must first identify the wound itself. You must figure out what you are doing, where you went wrong, how it got there. I used to claim I changed, but would slip right back into the same habits, the same mistakes, the same pains to inflict on others. It was bad, and often times when I screwed up I’d let myself slip back because what the hell? You already had fucked up again, so why change? Why would anything make a difference? But I kept trying, kept on, trying it over and over because I hurt people who believed in me, who cherished me. People who actually cared, who considered me close. As often as it is said, it is true: you never know what you had until its gone. For someone like me, that was a huge shock, rattled me deep and forced me on the right path. I lost people who actually cared and were not the toxic selfishness I had surrounded myself with but I was too short-sighted to see it.

 

You can’t live as an asshole forever for if you do, you will never allow yourself to live.

 

Scars Will Remain

For someone like me, I was always a good person deep down. I masked it under bad behaviors but I did care, and each person I lost due to my actions, I would justify it as a reason to keep the same behaviors going. “It wasn’t me, it was them!” “Nobody understands it/me!” “Don’t worry, I won’t fall into that trap, I’m stronger!” “I don’t need help, I’m fine!” All the lies we tell ourselves, over and over… Until we finally add enough pressure to stop them from flowing. It eventually heals, but we’ve lost a lot of friends in the process, family, connections we could have had and have to struggle to not let ourselves drown in the what-ifs. We move forward, because we must. We mustn’t focus on the past of what we did, but live in the here and now, and make sure every moment we don’t slip back to where we were. We have to live with what we did, but we won’t have to let it define us.

The real thing about being a good person is it is the hardest path to take. It is full of emotional turmoil, strain, loss, but it is worth it. The selfish asshole route is the easiest, but least rewarding. Accept and love people, and yourself, and let them into your life. Listen to their advice and make sure the people you surround yourself do the same for you, accept advice, listen to you, love you and let themselves be loved. Always give as much as you get, and get as much as you give. You can be the best you to ever exist, because you are, and deep down you are a good person, the best, the most awesome whatever you are. Let it shine!

 

But there will always be scars for us who started the easy path and moved to the hard. They will always be there, and they will hurt. In those moments, remember where you are now, what you have changed, and that you can still do so much more. Sometimes the pain will be almost overwhelming, but just remember, it is okay to cry.

 

I’ve realized this topic needs a lot more coverage, so it will be chopped into two parts.

Part 2 will cover steps I’ve learned on how to improve. Stay tuned… ^^

Change – Pt. 2 – Mini mini blog?

I did more thinking on the subject and wanted to write an extra little bit on it.

 

Sometimes change requires sacrifice. Now I don’t mean a blood sacrifice or anything of that nature, but letting go of some of the people around us. People can pressure us into fitting into their idea of who people should be. Their idea of the perfect being which doesn’t actually exist. Even though people prefer a certain type of individual, hell I sure prefer certain personality types, it can be easy to become trapped in trying to force or demand people conform to that. It doesn’t even have to be conscious either, it can just be manifested with how comfortable or uncomfortable we are around specific individuals. By nature we form cliques and we expect people to fit in that clique. Sometimes we can want someone in that clique that might have issues, but we demand they change themselves to fit rather than realizing maybe, at this current time, they just don’t work.

 

A lot of people… No. Most people need to self-actualize before they can be requested or even guided to change. They must first let themselves be WHO they are, entirely. Flaws and all. This is the only way to really see the all of a person, and in turn figure out how to guide behaviors. Demanding someone else, or even imposing it on yourself to try to ‘make’ yourself project a certain way, comes off as obviously fake and insincere. To improve yourself you first have to find most of the facets of what makes you, you. Then, only then, can you really begin to take yourself apart and examine the scuffs.

 

At the end of the day change for the better must come from within, a desire to improve who you are. At the same time you have to really understand who you are in the first place. Change to appease others is not change, but just adopting a new mask to hide yourself or bits of yourself that need to be addressed. At the end of the day, you must be happy with the person you are, and know the person who you want to become, or even the person who you actually, truly are.

Change – Mini Blog

Noun – the act or instance of making or becoming different.

 

Change is an interesting thing when it comes to people. Every day, through every experience, we are changing. This is from our perspective to how our bodies are aging, to every single little action that happens to us or around us: we are always in a constant state of change. Yet at the same time, through all of this, we can sometimes stay the same. What I’m on about here isn’t going to touch on ‘kin, or metaphysical, or anything of that nature but something born out of a personal discovery and personal development.

One of the biggest changes we can make to ourselves is self-improvement. This is a form of change that, unlike the constant change around us, is focused and forced. It is a decision to alter something about us in our personality and behavior… and it isn’t easy. Many times we think we’ve made changes but all we’ve done is just invent a new ‘personality’ that we try to apply on-top of all of our existing flaws. It can come off as forced, unreal, fake. It also makes people very uncomfortable in the same way the uncanny valley does.

When we try to change for the better, focusing on a particular aspect like our views or even personal happiness we tend to focus on the symptoms that crop up in day to day life. We don’t address the actual root cause, we apply a bandage over it instead of treating the broken limb. We lie to the world around us by lying to ourselves and it leads to destructive behavior to both those around us and ourselves.

We have to find the core cause of the issues we want to fix. We have to address them directly instead of trying to push them away. It requires confrontation of parts of our self we usually shy away from. And it is not easy. But unless we do treat it, anything we present will never be us but only yet another mask.

Living Two Lives

Hi everyone ^^

This post will be on the idea of two lives, a previous and a current, and how to live with both in a way that is both healthy and constructive. Having a distant past is jarring to many, in fact it can be down right hard to work with. Constant streams of memories coupled with a sense of not belonging, and yet at the same time a constant desire to keep things as similar to they were before; a yearning to be what we once were and forget the current. These desires can be so strong we often forget to consider what is best for us now, in the living, what decisions we should make that would make us happy now, not just wistful for days long gone.

 

A New Life

As someone who deals with a past life, of the very dragony nature, I often find myself at odds with current ways of thinking. Every so often certain thought patterns creep up that make relating to the here and now odd. I could describe it almost as an alien looking in at modern society, knowing and understanding but not feeling fully connected to every detail. I still often times dream of the past, memories surging from somewhere buried in the subconscious. I even have super intense dreams, and nightmares, that keep me from sleeping often. It’s a fact I’ve learned to work with over time, and something of myself I continue to explore. But I’ll save spirituality for another topic!

Being a dragon, for me, is just having another perspective to view the world through. It used to be a barrier that prevented me from having a normal social life, always feeling I was different, or at times better, than those around me. It was hard to connect to human society but it also made me suppress a lot of what I desired in this life. It made me suppress often what would improve my state of being now, repressed to cling to the idea of entirely making myself who and what I once was instead of working with the hand I was dealt. I didn’t see it as an opportunity to start again, but a curse.

 

A Second Chance

Life is a great thing, as much as it can wear us down at times with all the elements of random chance and effort it takes to succeed. My previous life wasn’t much better, although a bit different. Instead of working for a paycheck it was striving to catch food. I spent a lot of my time near or in the sea… which as a sea dragon would make sense! I also spent plenty of it near the edge of a river, the junction between sea and river. It was home, to me and a few others. So as a sea dragon, the natural thing for me to do was move to the desert in this life. It served me well, but it was one of those things I always felt at home near, the call of the ocean in a sense. I ended up eventually relocating to my current residence off the coast of the Pacific. What am I saying here? Sometimes what works best for us or was home in a previous life is still strong with us now and we have to satisfy it. However, that doesn’t mean we have to live according to what and who we were. In fact, I found its quite the opposite.

While my desire for the ocean and taste of fish hasn’t diminished, I’ve learned other aspects of myself that I feel are better now than what I would’ve liked or preferred before. To me the biggest one here is gender identity. As Veladynee, the old, I identified as male. I was a herm, sterile to the max, but with a masculine lean. That was just who I was. This life I had always desired to be female, being born as a male and identifying as such for a good portion of my life. I would however use feminine pronouns, but it never felt quite right. But at the same time I also felt the desire to be female, at least as far as being a human goes. This was a weird sensation, wanting to be one but at the same time desiring to be another. In the end, I voted for proceeding with a gender transition for my human side and became effectively female. However, I still identify dragon wise as male and use my masculine pronouns there. It feels right for who I used to be, but I didn’t let it dictate who I am and want to be now.

Gender and dragon issues are definitely a funny thing. I have met more than my fair share of dragonesses who were born with the wrong gender and identify as something else prior. But it was usually clear cut, it aligned with their own desires in the here and now and was strong enough for them to pursue it. Yet here I was, struggling with two conflicting identities on the subject. But I did make the right choice in the end, and in doing so learned the importance of two lives, separate but still supporting the other. We must do what makes us happy in the now, but at the same time work with what we were ,but not let it dominate every aspect of now. This life is a new life, not a continuation of the old, and we must do what makes us happy in the current. It’s a second chance in a way but also a new start and new experiences.

 

Veladynee and Veladynee

What is my point? Simply we are who we used to be but we are most importantly who we are now. We are human in body and in a lot of ways mind as well. But we are also dragon, or gryphon, or other creatures. This shapes our perspective but to me only enhances what we have now. It doesn’t do us justice to be misanthropic. We have a gift of having had a prior life, fulfilled or not, but still something more than many end up experiencing. But we also have a new start, or a second chance as some would see, to try things different in a new body with a new view and a new world.

The best thing we can do is still explore who we were and let it build upon who we are now, let it empower us to be successful now with a new confidence born out of knowing where we came from.

Forgiving Yourself – A Mini Blog

This is a mini post on the blog, again more personal and I feel it might be helpful to not just ‘kin but those in general. The topic is forgiveness, of not just others but the most important individual – yourself.

 

You is an important person, and one of the hardest people to apologize for. As in art where we are our own worst critic, often times we have a lot of pressure when it comes to talking or interacting with us, we, me. Reading this I realize how weird the sentence sounds, but bear with me for a moment. A conversation with yourself should be treated in much the same way as you’d be talking with one of your closest friends, because you are that. And you are the person you have to live with every day.

 

It took me a long time to come to yesterday, where in my own life things seemed pretty grim until I had that realization. That moment of clarity – That the reason I was having so many issues with my own past and stupid shit I had done is because I did nothing but relive them over and over. We all make mistakes, we all, to put it crudely, fuck up royally at some point and hurt others and ourselves in the process. Its just part of being… well. Human. Dragon. Whatever else we might be.

 

So when you feel down, when you keep reliving the same moments over and over in an endless spiral remember: just approach yourself and say sorry, its okay.

 

I forgive you.

 

Hopefully this mini entry helps someone in need of a little advice, a little light in what can be a quite dark night. ^^