Just as a forewarning, this is more of a story about myself than providing bullet points on the process of awakening. I tried for a long while to come up with a way of describing ways to handle it, or to self learn, but in my research I discovered the entire thing was subjective. There are so many different dragons from different walks of life, not even counting other ‘kin, that have had their own unique ways of discovering themselves. So in light of that, I feel the best thing I can do is provide a personal narrative of my own thoughts, experiences, and challenges.
This will be deeply personal and about my life. If that doesn’t interest you, then stay tuned for next month! In the mean time, I hope this provides something useful for those still discovering themselves. ^^
The Early Days
I started my life as basically everyone else does: I was born and slowly became aware as a person. I can’t say I had dragon dreams or deep senses of inner self through my earliest years beyond just not quite feeling exactly the same as everyone else. As a child I was always shy and deeply introspective. I attribute much of it to the arguing and general unhappiness of my home life, which eventually became two homes through a long custody battle. After that nasty rift that tore apart my family left me in the care of one parent, I found myself in a rather unhappy emotional abusive household, which wore away at my confidence and self-esteem and had me crawl further and further into myself. This lack of self esteem only added to my feeling of isolation from most of my peers and made me more curious to explore what exactly made me different.
Some of my escapes in my younger days had always been into the realm of lizards and dinosaurs, as well as a fondness for the ocean and things within it. I focused on these almost daily, coupled with as I started to learn to read, books on the subjects. These books eventually spread to fantasy and sci-fi novels (still a favorite thing to do!) which helped fuel my imagination. Many a day I would picture myself in fantastic worlds and invent things, writing them down like crazy. I always had a fondness for non-human creatures and began to really associate my identity with things not human, probably as a form of escape, but I also had a deeper underlying feeling that I had kept ignoring. It would take me until the end of middle school to put an identity to that feeling.
The Mid Years
My feelings of being different began to manifest stronger as I started to have flashes of colors and faded little fragments of what seemed like another life towards the middle of middle school. I continued to not pay much attention to them, instead preferring to just not let them bother me and push them back. That was until one day I encountered someone who claimed to be a dragon, through memories and dreams. Now, being the generally logical individual I was, I thought it was, to put it bluntly, bullshit. I just nodded and agreed and otherwise kept to myself, until one day I had a series of intense dreams. I started to research the whole idea of being a dragon and eventually found my way to various dragon sites talking about people who had similar experiences. Now this is where my life gets complicated and I start to push back against the notion.
Instead of detailing every occurrence, I became trapped in my head, terrified of what I was or could be. I lashed out in different ways, coupled with my lack of self-esteem. Eventually I accepted that I wasn’t human, at least not in the past. But I was also human now, but at the same time had more and more memories that kept popping up. Eventually I began to meditate to unlock more about myself, including my appearance. However, not all was dandy as I started to not like what I found out and try to hide it, inventing an identity to conceal who I was because I felt I didn’t like who I really was. But that… that is a long story for next month, where I discuss the importance of accepting who you are and living two lives. ^^;
Back on topic, it took me years and years to work through the chaos in my head. I can best describe it as feeling like you are one thing, but knowing that is wrong because the world taught you it was. You can see how that could be a bit problematic, especially for someone like me with no confidence! It became natural for me to bury it, or hide behind an identity I crafted to be me, because I was afraid of expressing the real me due to a myriad of factors. They ranged from not feeling the real dragon was interesting enough to wanting to try to ‘control’ that side of me to somehow prove something. From what I can gather, a fair number of ‘kin have felt like that. It also made me over time become a little more comfortable accepting it gradually.
The Near Modern Era
Through college I struggled, still suppressing a lot of who I was and in turn not letting it fully grow to be a part of me, keeping me still isolated and trying to bury myself. I knew I was a dragon, I refused to face or become myself or let that part of me out except keeping it buried down deep. Doing so never let me be myself, and in turn it led to all manner of bad behaviors like lying to try to keep the real me hidden. Naturally in this struggle my grades also plummeted at this time. I didn’t want to let people get that close to me. The biggest tragedy wasn’t even lying to others here, but lying to myself, a hard lesson I still struggled with until very recently.
Coming to terms and finally being open and accepting of who and what I am, and what I was, helped direct me towards the path I needed to follow in order to become a complete person in this life. Many people in this life struggle with finding themselves to self-actualize with just one life, let alone two. As ‘kin with past lives or connections to something else beyond just one it is important for us to find solace in both and really, truly, explore ourselves to our fullest. Even know I admit I don’t know everything, and still have more to discover, both in my past and especially now. I suppose what I’m saying here is its okay to not know, and not to try to make up things to sate ourselves or others in order to try to patch up any holes. Try to find the right piece to put there, instead of anything to fill the gap. ^^
I hope my story of myself was helpful. It’s difficult for me to talk about most of this and even harder to put what I can into words. It is my hope that this story of my own awakening and the challenges I face shed some light on some people’s struggles and let them know they aren’t alone, and can overcome them! Awakening is difficult, coming to terms as a dragon, or other species, is very challenging to accept. Just remember the struggle is part of it, and don’t fight it, but try to understand. 🙂